Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our children isn’t another reward. It’s the opportunity to struggle, overcome, and discover what they’re capable of.
I’ve been involved in martial arts for over 40 years, and I’ve spent more than 20 of those years running Synergy Martial Arts here in Leaside.
I’ve taught thousands of children over the years. Some were naturally athletic. Some could barely tell their left foot from their right. Some were confident from day one, while others needed weeks just to feel comfortable standing in front of the class.
And you know what?
Every single one of them needed to be challenged.
Not another trophy. Not another medal. Not another certificate telling them they’re amazing simply for showing up.
They needed something that made them work a little harder than they thought they could.
When Did Struggling Become a Bad Thing?
As parents, we naturally want our children to be happy. We want them to succeed, feel included, and have positive experiences.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But somewhere along the way, I think we’ve started confusing protecting children with preparing children.
We don’t want them to lose.
We don’t want them to be disappointed.
We don’t want them to feel frustrated.
And heaven forbid they come home and tell us that something was HARD!
But here’s the thing.
Hard isn’t always bad. Sometimes hard is exactly what they need.
In martial arts, I see this all the time.
A child struggles to learn a new kick. They get frustrated. They want to give up. They look at me as if I’ve personally ruined their entire afternoon.
And sometimes, judging by their expression, possibly their entire childhood.
But we keep working.
We break the technique down. We encourage them. We make adjustments. We try again.
And then something wonderful happens.
They get it.
Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not even particularly well.
But better than yesterday.
And the smile on their face?
You can’t buy that at the trophy store.
Confidence Doesn’t Come in a Gift Bag
One of the most common things parents tell me when they bring their child to Synergy is:
“I just want my child to be more confident.”
I love hearing that because confidence is one of the greatest things martial arts can help develop.
But here’s something I’ve learned.
You can’t give a child confidence. You have to help them build it.
And confidence is built through experience.
It’s built when a child tries something difficult and succeeds.
It’s also built when they fail, try again, and discover that failure wasn’t the end of the world.
It’s built when they realize they can handle being uncomfortable.
And sometimes it’s built when they realize they’re not the best person in the room — and that’s perfectly okay.
We can tell a child they’re amazing a hundred times.
But when they accomplish something they genuinely thought they couldn’t do?
Now they believe it themselves.
That’s a completely different kind of confidence.
Dinner Before Dessert
Anyone who knows me knows I have a saying:
“Dinner Before Dessert.”
It’s pretty simple.
You do the work before you enjoy the reward.
You practice before you perform.
You put in the effort before you expect the results.
And yes, sometimes you have to eat your broccoli before you get the ice cream.
I’m not suggesting children shouldn’t be rewarded. Quite the opposite.
I love celebrating our students’ accomplishments.
I love watching a child receive a new stripe or belt. I love seeing their parents smiling and taking pictures.
But I want that stripe or belt to mean something.
I want that child to remember the effort it took to earn it.
Because the value isn’t in the piece of coloured tape or fabric.
The value is in the person they became while earning it.
Not Every Child Gets There at the Same Time
Here’s another important lesson I’ve learned from teaching.
Children develop at different speeds.
Some pick up techniques almost immediately.
Others need ten explanations, twenty demonstrations, and what feels like four hundred repetitions.
And that’s okay!
At Synergy, I don’t expect every child to progress at exactly the same pace.
What I do expect is effort.
I expect them to try.
I expect them to listen, practice, and gradually take responsibility for their own improvement.
Sometimes the child who struggles the most teaches us the greatest lesson about perseverance.
Because when something comes easily, you don’t always learn how to overcome adversity.
But when you have to work for something?
You learn what you’re made of.
Our Job Isn’t to Remove Every Obstacle
This is where things can get a little uncomfortable for parents.
And I say this with tremendous respect because I know how much parents love their children.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for a child is not immediately rescue them from a difficult situation.
That doesn’t mean abandoning them or letting them struggle without support.
It means giving them room to figure things out.
If they can’t do a technique, we help them practice.
If they lose a competition, we help them understand what they can improve.
If they don’t earn a stripe this week, we explain what they need to work on.
We encourage them.
We support them.
But we don’t pretend every challenge has disappeared just because they’re disappointed.
Because eventually, life is going to present them with challenges that don’t come with a participation ribbon.
And I’d much rather they learn how to deal with those moments in a supportive Taekwondo class than discover those lessons for the first time as adults.
The Real Trophy
Over the years, I’ve seen children accomplish some wonderful things at Synergy Martial Arts.
I’ve seen medals won, belts earned, boards broken, and incredible physical skills developed.
But some of my proudest moments have nothing to do with any of those things.
It’s the shy child who finally raises their hand.
The student who struggles for weeks and refuses to quit.
The older student who stops what they’re doing to help someone younger.
The child who loses, shakes hands, and comes back ready to work harder.
Those are the victories that matter most to me.
Because while trophies eventually collect dust, the lessons learned through perseverance, discipline, humility, and effort can last a lifetime.
One Final Thought
I’m not against trophies.
I’m not against medals, certificates, or celebrating accomplishments.
Far from it.
But I believe we need to be careful not to confuse rewarding a child with developing a child.
A trophy can remind someone of what they accomplished.
A challenge can teach them who they are.
And if I had to choose between giving a child another trophy or helping them overcome something they once believed was impossible?
I’ll choose the challenge.
Every single time.
Because at Synergy Martial Arts, we’re not just teaching children how to kick and punch.
We’re helping them develop the confidence, character, and resilience to face whatever life puts in front of them.
And that, to me, is worth more than any trophy.
John Kolakovic
Owner & Head Instructor
Synergy Martial Arts — Leaside, Toronto